
I don;t know why I find it so very difficult to decide to take care of my health when I know logically I must...
My children are entirely reliant on me for financial support, housing etc.. all the usual survival stuff; and of course, I must support myself, though I think I could cope with much-reduced circumstances if I hadn't small children. I'm perfecly capable of living in a bedsit or whatever.
So, I work for a living, full time, and fit my creative work around that. I am, also, justifiably and sensibly protective of my job-security. Somewhere along the line I ahve internalised a terrible fear of losing my job on any abitrary basis that someone in authority might decide upon. Consequently, being ill fills me with fear of being off work before it fills me with any other reaction to do with self/health-preservation.
I'm rambling. I'm ill - intermittent fever, several asthma attacks over the weekend - one severe - due to the flu, but the worst moment of all for me was when I had to make the call to work to tell them I won't be in today. And I'm still uncomfortable with it, even though I know that lying here, keeping warm, is what my body needs so that I can continue in the long-term.
And in the very long-term? I haven;t even thought about that... just want to get these children safely grown up and keep them in their home.